After a bit of time passes to allow Carson a chance to regain his composure (I’m guessing it was probably about three months) everyone gathers together upstairs. “I really want to apologize,” Dante begins, only to be cut off by Carson pointing and yelling, “bleep you, fat boy!” Gee Carson, are you sure you want to say that? I mean, the man was already willing to kiss you… is it really worth the risk? He tells Dante that if they hadn’t been on television the final results would have been very different. “When some fat bleep invades my space and tries to stick his tongue down my throat,” he continues, “that’s taking bleep to a whole new level.” Dante continues to attempt to apologize but it’s too late and he’s left to wonder whether a bit of Chapstick might have yielded a more positive outcome. Arthur, who thus far has done little more than be a spectator to everything that’s happened, tells us that if the Hunks can’t behave like gentlemen they are gonna find themselves with a war on their hands. He does try his best to look like a tough guy as he delivers this in his best Sinatra voice, but I truly believe that Old Blue Eyes would have pulled it off without the trembling quiver of fear in his voice. Thus ends the first night of serenity for the newly joined roommates of the mansion.
The next day finds the two groups of men gathering in the gym. For the Joes, it brings immediate flashbacks of all the abuse of high school days. For the hunks it brings back memories of the abuses they doled out back in those good old glory days. Fans from prior seasons know it’s now time for the Joes versus Jocks events. Anna enters in a short skirt and blouse unbuttoned so far that her voice echoes as it passes the exposed canyon below. If you read about a seismic disturbance that took place across America on Tuesday night, have no fear. It was merely the tremor caused by male jaws hitting the floor all across the land. Her outfit leaves about as much to the imagination as the Emperor’s New Clothes. I like a woman with a little mystery about her, myself, and I’m sad to say that Encyclopedia Brown could have solved this one in two seconds flat.
In interview, Arthur describes her as provocative, while Gino, ever the gentleman, tells us that Anna put Britney Spears’ whole schoolgirl thing to shame in a big way. In a completely unscripted fashion (why is my nose growing?) Anna explains that the guys will be competing for bragging rights in the house and a little “something extra.” Oh boy! Is it a new car? Some lip-gloss for Dante? A copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People for Carson? I can’t wait! The Joes and the Jocks will compete in a series of events, the first of which will be wrestling. After changing into athletic outfits from the “No Normal Man Should Wear This Stuff in Public” catalogue, the first two combatants are called to the ring.
The first match is Jason “the Matchstick Mauler” versus Josh the “Battling Broker.” They are so unevenly matched size-wise that even Anna comments in interview that she feels bad for Jason because Josh is three times his size. Jason provides us with a play-by-play. “I don’t really remember much. It was all kind of a blur.” Thanks for that insightful and piercing commentary. Don’t quit the day job to wait for Monday Night Football to call with the contract offer, dude. Josh finally makes a move on Jason, but Jason dodges out of the way. While Josh is off-balance, Jason grabs hold of him and manages to get Josh down on the mat! In moments Goliath… I mean Josh, is pinned. Cheer up Josh, at least you were spared the humiliation of being kissed while you were losing to a guy that might weigh 125 with rocks in his pockets.
What follows is a montage full of enough sweaty man-to-man grappling to make most nuns run to the confessional. Sadly, the one early victory for the Joes is washed away by a steady string of defeats at the hands of the hunks. Quicker than you can say, “Lllllllllllet’s get rrrready to rrrrruuuumbllllleee!” it’s time for the main event. You guessed it. Dante and Carson are soon staring one another down again in the center of the ring. “I know you want to kill me,” Dante says as he stares back unflinchingly, “and that’s why I’m glad I’m up against you. It’s gonna be fun.” He then extends his hand and wishes Carson good luck. Carson just stares back and refuses to the handshake. When Dante repeats the gesture, Carson slaps the hand aside. “When I stared into Carson’s eyes,” Dante tells us in an interview clip, “it was everything that’s ever confronted me in my life in terms of all the people who ever picked on me. All I want to do is show people that I’m a good person and I have so much love to give. My whole life I’ve never felt loved.”
Before Dr. Phil can show up with a box of Kleenex, Dante tells us that he’s standing up for everyone who has ever been bullied and isn’t wanting to take it any more. In the match itself, Dante fights valiantly – almost pinning Carson at one point – before finally succumbing to Carson’s superior strength. This ridiculous-looking man with his underwear spilling out over his wrestling gear entered the match with no tools aside from his heart and came within a breath of pulling off the victory. In interview, Carson says, “He said may the best man win and look who’s standing here.” As he continues to brag about his easy victory over somebody he calls a “15-year-old girl,” I can’t help but notice that while his mouth is bragging about how easy it all was, the rest of his body is drenched in sweat from the exertion. Nonetheless, the wrestling competition ends with the Hunks handily on top. Jocks 1, Joes 0.
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